linenkiss

happy new year!!!!2025 im 22 WOW

bite

lemongrass pork chop! com tam kinda
banh cuon
cha lua fried rice
egg n tomato w rice
mung bean che
blueberry buttermilk donut at peter pan
cheese pizza omg pizza

read

a little of employees still
decolonial marxism
got a few books: dementia 21 - kago, prism stalker - sloane leong, to strip the flesh - oto toda, power born of dreams - mohammad sabaaneh
spirit in the looms

hear

days go by

watch

princess jellyfish
dandadan
1st ep of squid game s2 fuck that shite
20 min video on Costa Rica history

sew skirt
cut angeli's hair! v bang and layers
dye viv's hair black
go to greenpoint library while microdosing shrooms lol
sublease to dietrich!
ping pod w asia and friends
video game hangout at clem's -- monkey ball and 5 layer jenga!
got fin aid reimbursed so paid rent and card n shite
vision boardeddd
turned 22 holy fuck
downloaded finch
played til the end of samsara room on iphone
make music and have it deleted bc of ableton dead laptop for katelyn fml
hart bar on new years and then omg pizza

reflections

It's really silly that it feels like im falling into place as i am about to leave. I'm not even entirely sure if i'd feel this way had it been a different circumstance but one may say I do not have the desire to even speculate. Talking to new friends have been really nice to name experiences i felt really alone or ashamed in. It helps me realize the agency that I doo have and CAN excersize. bruh how the fuck do u spell that. oo leme apply for a job at the senior center, library in the summer for digital nav, tatter library internship, fabscrap... when it is time. praxis fiber workshop too. i've been insanely privileged and unaware at it because I was stuck in this mindset of deserving more and better. true yet unworked. I'm questioning what kind of relationship I want to have with myself and what kind of god I am shaping to believe. deleting instagram has been really nice for my mental health and it feels like i am a person again. critical, conscious, and compassionate are my c's this month that i want to focus on. I'm ready to do more work and I am so proud of myself for the decisions that i've made to be able to get to this point. Also super grateful to the people I've met out here who see me and bring so much wonder--viv, angeli, aditi, asia, ace, mars, justin ~ and to friends of a while who i learn from as well -- lisa, thang, naomi, anh, sylkia, whitney, sonia, katelyn, amanda. conversations make the think about decisions that will help me become the person i need to be are really helpful and encouraging. housing is something i am very privelged to even consider, and being able to visit michigan so freequently is very telling of where i am. msging idris and that text conversation brought up a lot of longing and other mixed emotions for me. butterflies, anxious, loving, psyching myself out...i read those messages the next day throughout the day to really milk out those feelings. I feel like i'm doing the wrong things again for reaching out about my social security card. Do i think they think this conversation warrented access to their best friend to trust with my belongings like that? i could go thru this loop of shame and feeling bad about myself for it--whichever way i want to make sense of it-- but i'm honestly just kind of tired of thinking of myself and our dynamic in that way anymore. It does need to get out of my system and is why im mentioning it now but..it's not a huge deal and its really ok. anyways I need to get out of this housing situation because I want to be able to not feel so policed and surveilled. I guess thats how one would feel when you dont feel safe but there is ppl ~around~ to support. These days I wake up earlier and fry bigger fish. I hope this year I learn more about spirituality and love and anger. #sharpness #love and #expansion. The vision I see for myself is someone who is working a job that is fulfilling somewhere in the field of textiles or social work, and hosts events/workshops thru niche ass shite -- but accessible for targetted audience. Cheers to 22 and 2025, the year of the snake. The work I do is for my sanity and for the liberation of all oppressed people. there is no shame in learning, for I must have humility to yield this sword. Amen.

novid 19

bite

woorijip pumpkin porridge and eel roll
garlic five spice onion powder garlic powder sugar honey corn starch chicken

shoot for clem's short film!
therapy

reflection

in therapy today I spent the first part talking about good news. better news. Because I forget to ground myself in love. And it was really nice to begin that way. I can't believe I would do it otherwise. I just posted about leaving NY for study abroad and it's a little strange knowing I'm leaving and feeling like there's this drive to wake up finally? I guess precarity makes you fight for life. And in the search for stability, grounding myself in precarity feels more that it can move me. I'm not sure if I enjoy that but I think it offers another way of viewing "reality" that means I need to be actively living. I think so much of my living has been in survival with an energy that takes everything for granted. And I want this to exist altogether. I realize the hurtful messages I heard this past week was something I believe not to be untrue, but strange. When someone projects their ego onto you, even though I've been trying to undo the work of that in order to live with grace, it's really hard to pull away and communicate that sort of pain because it means that part of me is also still very much alive. I am learning to be like others, not for the mere fact to be like others and how "likeable" they may be, but to be like the parts that I love about them because I know from first hand experience that it is something lovely and special to share. And it's to learn how to integrate that into my being. Sometimes it feels like whenever someone is like me or more like me that I am like myself, I feel like a shell? it's really weird. But I'm learning to not be afraid of that. Because the more honest I can be about myself and to trust that things will change accordingly as a result of this is a truth worth seeking. With all the hurt that may come with it. I can't be ashamed of my fear if I know it can be transformed. The only way of knowing is to confront it head on.
met cool ppl at the shoot! trying to keep in touch~
wanted to make a sewing machine, lunch bag, top

i wanna change this up. in my head today, often

bite

orange chicken trader joes yummyyy

hear

ambient 4 graveyards ㇏(•̀ᵥᵥ•́)ノ
11/1 test

watch (in the AMs)

beast (2022)
tangerine (2015)
dark matters (2010)

do/play/too lazy to seperate the two

go on a walk w viv, found COOL cobbler!
try to feed kitty
called my grandma thru the blink
Forms
talked to myself adjacent to the mirror,, more towards the wall i suppose
stalk my tumblr from middle school, check old messages. not much. weird to feel that feeling
rewatch neema's recorded zoom session
previously, t shot

reflections

I'm so starved right now. when was the first time you heard about the war? question struck me. what do i want to be asked? what was the last thing you learned that broke your heart? what was the last thing that helped piece it back together?
you do not need to let yourself suffer to prove it to yourself. I learn that my grandma's village, hà thao, is in ha noi. she says her grandfather on her dad's side used the money from the village to start a church. she says she is not healthy, but she is not weak. kinh people. french/western soldiers burnt down the neighboring cillages near my grandpa's home, I wonder if they believe they are lucky. she does not condemn the french outright. what do i ask of myself? what do i feel responsible for? what does my family (and others) ask of me?
you do not preach to be known. knowing is an openess. you reliquish your right.
i missed jenny's birthday i can't believe. that's terrible. i dont even know how you make up for that but I want to try

sick day

bite

miso soup and rice
gochujang egg fried rice

hear

Jack off Jill discography

watch

the united states of delirium

let maintence check out pipes.. leak
write emails for study abroad
apply to job please let me have this
text ppl on hinge
join meeting
be sick yipeee...sigh

reflection

reminiscing about people here and there. I don't know why refuse ourselves these emotions, sometimes it destabilizes us to a fault that is not our control, but because we are taught to priortize this devastation. I have a headache writing this. To witness is enough to know that it's wrong. In the video I was watching, the person talks about not seeing themselves as a victim of state violence because of how violence is often portrayed or sold to us. They were born in Nicargua but were displaced to the US. This realization of displacement and understanding of their mothers necessity to flee cements this existence that does in fact have relation to state violence. What destabilizes the ability to be moved or compelled by something like this is through the romanticization and the weaponization of identity politics. I fall victim to this. I fall victim to my own story when I only leave it at myself. So I'm here again, trying to learn to stretch. And I'm retelling my memory to really feel the hurt so that it may become a button I can press to reactivate myself. I'm here, my spirit is in this, and all of us should be so enraged and so full of compassion. And being desensitized is the tool of the empire that I refuse to let sink deeper into my soul. Back to my brother. Back to my family and the failure of that structure, that failure of a school system that failed other children, that failed neighborhoods and communities full of immigrants and refugees, that worked exactly as designed to. Back to me as a child, I look at her with so much sorrow, with so much pain, and sometimes disgust, and sometimes facination, and pride, but with a lot of care. For us, state violence allowed us to live so we could continue working, providing labor to keep dental factories going, to keep car manufacturing going. Colonization, imperialism, war, genocide, displacement, disruption of a village, of a community, organizing family with these gender categories, leading to these relationships with my brothers and everyone else ever. I think about the time that I got so violently enraged with my brother, who charged at me, threatening me to a point where I had to call the police on HIM, because there felt like there was no one else who could intervene. In what world do you call someone who knows nothing about you or your family, entering with a gun, with a history of being in a system that murders black and brown people every day. Who enforce laws that allow them to further crimilize marginalized communities and continue this factory and plantation that is the jails. In what world do I get to know all of this and continue to participate in it because that is my immediate taught response. And I'm not the demographic that is targeted. Who's there to help the youth to build caring and sustainable lifestyles? Where are our mentors? Why is it that our elders can't even see us as people either?
These carceral systems need to be torn down, the police in our heads need to be torn down. The shame in our bodies is that police. and who are we learning to trust? Who are we allowed to trust? Marriage dictates who we legally and legitimately get to care for and trust. and I do not buy that. You trust this said soul mate, said life partner that can only be this one special person. If the love we experience singularly was the highest love we could reach, the United States would do everything in its power to make it illegal. We need to look in the fringes if we are already not yet there. We need to continue to roughen our edges. and we, and i meant at least i, will begin to admit to myself that I'm not here to be right.

another day in the empire, meshing the previous days here too

bite

miso soup with rice omg pizza (garlic knots) w viv, nyobe, jannah, TNT vanessa's amazing dinner with chicken, potatoes, wine egg and toast seasoned with curry powder, salt, pepper, fish sauce, furikake
TNT and Jannah's leftovers lol
ricepaper and egg

read

What is Gender Nihilism

hear

Smile for me - Raveena

watch

Weaving software into core memory by hand

play

Loom! by lucasarts thru steam. pirated w help from my brother.
how?u asked? here:
this app translates windows code to mac? but you need to download the activation tool which I can't figure how to link but it is called crossover activation tool
the windows files of Loom

chinatown w viv applied to pho place
worked w tiff at think coffee and bluestockings and target trip
palm game with TNT viv and sons!
bossanova lowkey annoyed cuz tight and whight but twas fun
vanessa dinner housewarming!
ran to get pads this morning at the deli but now at maria
JBS USA archive on some bullshit
download and play loom
clean table and put into room

reflection

weaving and software!!! if computer memory -- our "human" memory. when we begin to lose our memory and become numb to our bodies, we will think extend onto others to learn how other ways to feel it. the magic of recalling when not intentional or given space to be special, belongs then to who?
had I prioritized the actual material changes that voting does in fact have at a local level, i would have gotten my absentee or mail in, or registered in new york. the framing of moralizing voting gets so frustrating when it is not a system that works through legitimizing morality. We are not going to enter hell because we are already here. the fears are valid, but the spirit inside must be more compelling, and I think going deeper into study and working alongside others is where I want my imagination to go. Being around other people's ego triggers my own, and I don't feel as though being proud is healthy for me. I go in between taking my friends for granted but I really am so grateful for them to ground me, even when I am upset or frustrated with them. To be heard is something I just need in order to me to feel safe enough to be receptive to others.
I'm back on hinge #shocker. but i am being intentional with who I would like to meet.
78 degrees in november and people love the weather because we don't get to rest or hibernate in the winter. we are so cooked. I ask the spirit around me for guidance.
bled thru at maria hernandez while walking home. funny! hearing how people conceptualize gender within queer spaces. gender abolition.. bell hook's coming to theory from a place of hurt

t shot #3 theyhoming

bite

viet pork and rice cakes! #cooked! #tewsweettbut yum
enoki miso soup #thankssons
desi grill #thanksviv and vivs friend

read

parable of the sower graphic novel. wow. halfway in.
Detritivore Design by Mathew Lippincott but thru The Grassroots Mapping Forum: Public Lab Community Journal of Environmental Research
reread (more like play) a bit of A fable of emergence. by Alexander Miller

hear

i'm a bit tired to document... but funky dope track, sit there and rot, hija de papa, baby can I hold you, graceland, the afterparty disco AND french house instrumental remix (I LOVE PORTRAITS OF TRACEY), ngay moi, +more

watch

Inventing Game of Life (John Conway) - Numberphile

interact

How did you find me?
Cloudhiker - The greatest Sites of the Internet
permaculture network

apply to internship
cook
clean-ish (viv and sons did considerable cleaning #grateful)
t shotttt no ouchies! yay
voice cracked once #didanyonenotice... (gasp) (sigh) (cringed) (chuckle) whoopsiwhoopdedooo
welcome TNT and Janna (I hope i spelled his name right. ill have to check in the morning) to theyhome!
clean room! build bookshelf under bedframe
yappederreddered and roam

reflections

hyperempathy, inheritting memory, gender relationality, and spirit finding. detritivore designers design from the reuse ofdecaying technology, not necessarily for the reuse of products they create --~ considers its full life in-tact vs. single purpose/function. questioning "universal design" there was a susan artdes 150 or 151 discussion about this and accessibility. might have to dig in there for extra thoughts. SPRECTROMETER woahhh. identifying material based on the reflection of light? made of cds and dvds and webcams and pipes, all EXCESS. its so interesting to think about the power of EXCESS and to reclaim it as incapable to be monopolized bc there is so MUCH of it. and more accessibly inside of this excess. there are some excesses we can't reach as easily, so ... hmm. Thinking of my fabrics teacher in 11th grade who used patterns (like for garment making) as newspaper to clean her windows. Detri design public lab. open source sharing data to compare. parametric design. conways game of life / hope and "neighbors". this in between not enough and an excess to death, but death also enabling alive when there are enuf neighbors to resurrect (?) in how i approach my own practices of making, how can i account for function and decay and value... let's plan to mind map this in my room (did i mention this no i didnt! also a new addition while i was cleaning) goodnight nourished spirit and glitch.me goodnight theyhome. great day!

halloween! costumes and candy! however, 77 degrees in october. we are so fried

bite

granola bar
thai grilled chicken and ginger rice
viv's walnut shrimp leftovers and lotus root
leftover ramen

read

didn't really read... but am looking into:
parable of the sower (STILL) - octavia butler
story of your life and others - ted chiang
blood child - octavia butler

hear

Bop Spotter

watch

odessa's short film "Lost Tapes of Antigua 2029" at DCTVNY
and more! including one about latine punk scene in ny

Docujam!
chinatown
viet groceries
MOLD book club and discussion
shrooms
walk on knickerbocker to maria hernandez park and look at costumes!

reflections

my shroom trip was intenser this time! i'm very glad! thought a lot about gender, and wanting to shape my understanding and expression of gender not so entirely to be reactionary,,, but relational. by this i mean, i am not performing for power but to be caring. for a larger purpose of love. for compassion. it is moving towards SOMETHING. i'd like to plan an envelope craft night! make garments for these letters to loved ones expressing love and care and jokes with upcycled fabrics, paper, beading, plastic.. I'm thinking more about cowrey shells, how they've been understood holding binaries of 0 or 1 and infinite directions in divination practices. That's now I feel about gender? jaquard looms too. I feel like a dice, or what else can be tossed and shaken, everything altogether and something at once. To see my as my fluid is to see me beyond the contruction of time. to see me is to be waiting. to see me is to know my history. what else can be thrown? sticks, rocks, coins. to be set with an intention and turn out in that moment of shakenness is in fact, the agency of that being, of that spirit, that is in me, in it, in you, in all .. I wonder for gymnasts, for dancers, what spirit is guiding, what forces inform the movement of the body and yet still comes out in response. Being dizzy on a roller coaster. How do we pour water or alcohol to our ancestors (learned in book club). what tree is outside my apartment who is she? i was heavy breathing on my trip. it felt like the breathing i have when im asleep and dreaming. im so curious about breathwork and what states of conciousness it can bring me closer to. what about a consiousness of tree? is this why dasia in elementary school told me to hold my breath when our bus passed the cemetary? was it to feel that stillness? to be reminded of how precious life is in all its embodiments,. I wrote: "I want you to expand from this. allow yourself to root there!" I can't remember what i am referring to but after that i wrote: you want to remember. I know that's true. communication and language is one our most powerful tools. and to use her, our memory must be in tact. so what happens when celebrity culture and pop culture infiltrates and disrupts our attention with all of these algorithms we have little decision making power to change? can we reclaim our internet? I shiver thinking about fiber optic cables powering the internet to be following the same routes of slave trading. Our memory is full of SHITE. tenderness, gentleness, softness, is how i want to relate with any beings. I thought about why I feel so connected to erotic spirit, to linen kiss. These names I've associated myself with. this romance I seek to be changed, to be loved back. Do your clothes kiss you where you hurt? back to gender relationality. As my "relating" with others shifts, so does my "gender". my gender is my practice of being, my practice of relating and being with others. i've related with others in the past that i am no longer happy with. i appreciate what we shared always. and still, we are not frozen. these categories and binaries that colonial thinking and language has violently frozen us to relate to each other is why I'm choosing to melt. I'm going to alchemize. I'm nothing and I'm everything. And when you read this in your head, or your laptop reads aloud, how do you know its not you? or "it"?(your device). How do these words feel sitting atop your mind? Happy Halloween! love candy and dressing up. one of the few days u can ask for your wants (candy) and your neighbors are kinda mainly sorta down!.. wish it was halloween spirit every day. ceremonial. can't believe water is not free. i need to carry a bottle on me. and free i don't mean to be abused, but not displaced from its community (cycle). there's a spirit in that dice did I mention that? that's why it rolled a 6. this is the spirit we are trying to find, at least that is what I am searching for. a passerby'er's dog was getting anxious with me and another pedestrian. I thought, he's just frightened that things have changed today. odessa's film has me wondering about our intuition and our anxieties and tender care for our loved beings. I am learning what trust is when I am just like the dog. That coller would have pissed me the fuck off too where's my treat? What's my trick? does his collar kiss him where he hurts? ..

hi

hi!

hi

hi!